IF I HAD DIED NOW.
If i died now.
I just had a random thought, it’s 0700 and I’m running for the bus, I got on out of breath but all is well, currently listening to Nao - Gabriel and I just thought what if I had tripped whilst running, in fact what if I had tripped and just never got back up, dead, just like that, on some pavement with cigarettes and dried spit scattered around me outside of a corner-shop.
The location and cleanliness doesn’t mean shit death is death but the thought that scares me is no one will ever know what I am capable of? No one actually knows the potential I have, I feel like I haven’t done enough, all these ideas in my head the angle I see things the aspects of my concepts that define me and put me above the rest, no one will ever know apart from my other half. Maybe I struggle to see my accomplishments ? But I truly don’t feel like I’ve done anything worth celebrating yet, to many it might seem like I just done a bunch of hoodies and some cute shoes but to me each have an immense depth of creative problem solving, manual labour, and expressive mind and body to bring them to life, that’s not even my attachment to them, those are just facts, with most of my work I pour so much emotion and energy that I leave all of that connection with the piece and leave it at that, I couldn’t handle being attached to all my work due to the mass of energy injected at the time in all of the individual pieces.
On a side note this is why I feel like I have a big issues with pricing because I know the value of these factors are great and the price points I’m selling at are a fraction of what I deserve, that’s my problem though, as I come from a place where I would never spend £100+ on any one item, I actually remember the first time I did, it was this quilted G-star raw overshirt, I came across it on the online on the store Next and telling my mum, the thought is vivid because it was the most I ever spent, a solid £130. Anyways my worth and price points can be discussed at another time and place.
Back to it… I guess I’ve done an exhibition with 2 paintings and sculptures, I helped curate an exhibition at whitechapel gallery presenting works by Peter Doig, Richard Billingham, Gregory crewdson and more. I’ve made a few sales globally, from people that didn’t even follow me,
I’ve been contacted by axel arigato when I posted my very first custom (just never followed through with the commission… I was so nervous lol). Contacted by a big big brand, but the pandemic has continuously postponed the job. Probably have some other stuff to and they’re mentioned in no particular order because I’m trying to remember what I’ve done, I just don’t feel like they’re at all reflecting my potential and that’s just sad. Don’t get me wrong things don’t happen just like that, you need patience and persistence which I have, but the fact of the matter is if I died now I haven’t left anything behind that I feel like can be understood outside of it being clothing, the depth is within these products, the clues to my thinking and who I am, but I haven’t done enough for these ideas to be seen across my practice, for it to be known that everything I do is with intent.
The suns in my eye and the heat is gently kissing my face - I’m trying to write like how I’ve read books in the past, I should read more, learning is beautiful, and so is teaching I’m just more visual and like learning from my TV shows… but I think I should take this seriously and start reading books to better my English and knowledge helping broaden the possibilities of outcomes of my ideas.
I’m aware I’m going through a lot mentally, trying to understand if I am who I want to be, getting over this constant fluctuation of self doubt and some other stuff, I just hope when it’s the right time, I get to unravel that potential I know I have and for that to be seen, doesn’t need to be understood by everyone but at least out in the open, or il some day die with the fear I didn’t do enough, I’m not in this life to do what society thinks I should do and take a backseat in the car my parents and culture are driving. I am who I am, I just want to see who that is.
Just remember be nice to people, and we’ll talk soon.
